“What the hell are you talking, man?”, interjected the communist pig.

“Well, sir, you see, this Mall is a beacon of development. And your party, if you can even call it that, is against development. So it would be a direct contradiction to your policies if you enter here and buy anything.”

The waste of experimental semen from the party of wastes of social misfits was dumbfounded. For, now the whole country was against communism. The recent law to bar communists from places of complete development was a landmark in making parties stick to their political policies. Now, the only places a communist can go are to the fields and factories.

If a communist wants to buy a car, he’ll have to buy a cheap one. No communist can now be richer than his other communist counterparts. And since most of the people who get sucked into this ideology are poor, it seems to have an adverse backlash on the well to do communists who could only get support from the weaker sections of society.

All their stupid freaking policies of ‘equality’ through suppression have turned against them. Now their accommodations have been tuned way down to a simple cottage for each communist family. They can henceforth not have any fun and can’t even smile as per the new law. If they get a feeling of happiness, they have to turn themselves in to the police station and face a jail term of 20 days with an increment of 10 days for every subsequent feeling of happiness.

Apart from this, the only  health care they will get is from a first aid kit placed in the center of each town. If found mingling with any non-communist, the communist will be shot and killed and his assets transferred to the non-communist.

A communist can speak all he wants about how unhappy he is with whatever he is unhappy with at the moment. That’s his only right. He can also blow himself.

After being explained all these things by the guard, D. Raja says, ” What? Communist? Me?”

Hotter shall the world get

more and more shall man sweat.

But mankind shall not know, alas!

That it’s caused by no greenhouse gas.

The real cause of this travesty,

will be the porn industry.

*Price of gas

Something’s cost shall fluctuate

more than it’s worth really is.

But neither volcanoes nor the raining of ice,

will make the administration reduce it’s price.

*Terrorism

People who aren’t successful

in anything they do

shall be led by others lamer.

They shall be sent into the liberated world

their intestines being hurled

at everyone in the vicinity

all in the name of the “almighty”.

*Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s ‘family’

Another earth shall be constructed

to serve like the reserves of grain we store.

Like Noah who took 2 of each,

a child, bore

from each nation shall be aggregated.

All this to prepare for Armageddon.

When Bruce Willis has already shown it’s caused by a rock heading towards earth.

Fools.

*Population explosion

Many more offspring shall be born,

many bastards created due to parent loathing.

Creating an increase

in the demand for food, shelter and Armani clothing.

But the decrease in family values can mostly be seen

in the X-rated movies on our TV screens.

*Aamir Khan

A bigger snob will never walk the earth.

Of such people, there’s better to be a dearth.

Who think they possess a special skill

just because peoples’ free time they fill.

When in simple and pure actuality,

their total facial expressions are just limited to 3.

The man was quoted to have confessed to the police ” Ahkarabab, mujirabab, kabab. Ikhuzi-abbe-murte, fuu-jja. *sob* Mujaheddin, saffa ikarba zardari. Mader faker Bush. Tyulifateh majaaaa. Majaaaa, skoda octavia, jabba thaa huttaa. Miliensadara furujanabe.” American Intelligence have decoded this Arabic to mean “I couldn’t find my shoes after I came out of the Mosque, so I stole the cheapest looking shoes there. Who knew it was Mr. Bush’s? I felt sad when I saw that later Iraqi security and American Intelligence personnel were searching for his shoes. So I attended the press conference and since I had no access to Mr. Bush, I tossed it to him. I feel guilty about stealing the shoes, but I didn’t have any of mine, since someone stole mine too. I ask Mr. Bush to forgive me.”

Other reports coming in have said that the man actually had an affair with George Bush and reportedly said “This is a goodbye kiss from me, you dog.” Apparently the man was not too happy to be dumped by Bush and was just another broken heart in this lovers’ spat.

After the incident however, Mr. Bush tried to lighten the atmosphere by imposing his brand of humour on the crowd of journalists. However, when that was not possible (as everyone in the room was more interested and surprised that an Iraqi could throw that well), he proceeded to lighten the atmosphere the best way he knew how :  by unloading the air festering in his bowels. Yes, he farted. The people however weren’t surprised with Bush’s reflexes as he is known to duck important issues every now and then when they really need to be addressed.

All around the Arabic world, people came out in suppourt of the Iraqi journalist, with people saying that no man should be jailed for his love.

The man is currently in police custody being interrogated. The government want to make sure that this is not a new kind of emerging terrorism called “love terrorism” where people who are dumped resort to such “extreme activities.”

(Meanwhile……)

AK : (looks up slowly) To beeeee, or not to beeeee…..that is the question. With great power comes grea….

(Barkha Dutt stops AK and whispers in hie ear)

AK : (to BD, but audible to us) What are you saying? Mumbai was attacked? As in the Mumbai in Bobmay? On the east side of India? Oh yea, west side, I knew that.

(BD whispers some more)

AK : And you want me to talk about it? Oh ok…..no problem.

(AK looks meaningfully at BD)

AK : This is very sad, you know? I never in my whole life expected this to happen to a city like Mumbai. I love the city so much. I can’t locate it on a map if it just had an outline of Maharashtra and a red dot showing Mumbai, but still, I love the city. Yes, (looks down and then up in a dramatic way) New Delhi means a lot to m….

(BD whispers again)

AK : Yes, that what I said, Mumbai. I remember seeing the Taj Mahal the first time I came to the city. It was white. And huge. I think it was built in the 1950′s …..

(again BD whispers)

AK : There’s a Taj Mahal hotel also? No? Only Taj? Oh, alright.

(AK stares blankly and then whispers to BD which is still audible to the viewers)

AK : I don’t know what’s going on. Where am I? Who am I?

(BD looks worried)

AK : Hahahahahaaaaa….got you. It’s a scene from my latest movie Ghajini. Hahahahahaha…..But serioulsy, I have no idea what’s going on, but I’d still like to talk because I believe that I have much more knowledge than everyone in this country. I show my awesomeness by acting in awesome movies. Of course, these movies become awesome because I act in them.

AK :  Where was I? Oh yea, about the Peshawar attack…

(BD shakes her head)

AK : ……..Dhaka attack…..

(BD shakes her head again)

AK : …….Colombo attack? (AK has a nervous look on his face)

(BD stands up and hits AK with her mic stick)

BD : You stupid asshloe. I am an award winning reporter and I have to come out all the way over here to interview an idiot like you? How stupider can my job get? I bet everyone knows that I sleep around and that’s how I got my various awards. No wonder I can’t get any dates these days. Coming to think of it, I never got any dates. Not even from women. Even street urchins run away from me. I guess I reek of desperateness. I wish all my useless awards accounted for something. But no….they have to be awards financed by NDTV itself. Damn! My life isn’t worth living. All I care about are my news stories. I even jump around like a maniac when the story is as boring as a minister resigning. That’s how boring I am. I guess the only excitement I get in life is when I’m in front of the camera…..

(The cameraman comes into the room eating a burger, goes to the camera stand, flicks a switch and looks through the lens)

Cameraman : Ready when you are, dyke.

THE END

PS : If you identify with the feelings I have expressed here, you have to note 2 things :

1)You can contact me about funding my work

2)You need therapy

3) I don’t

PPS : If you didn’t notice anything wrong right now, you are probably dyslexic

PPPS :  I haven’t roasted Nidhi Razdan because she’s the hottest of the news anchors that NDTV has.

PPPPS : If this article didn’t satisfy your craving for quality, we’re teribbly sorry, we are currently short on staff and our writers are on leave.

Barkha Dutt : Thank you Amitabh. That was nice how you talked so much and wasted 3 minutes before the headlines were read. That shows how committed we are about actually giving the audience the news it needs rather than flaunting out awards in the face of the public who don’t even give a damn about it. Whoo….look at that. I just wasted 2 more minutes. How awesome am I? Will someone talk about my awards? Please? Someone? Pranav? Anyone?

AR :  Here, Barkha, here….(takes an award and dangles it in front of BD, who looks at in with eyes glazed over). Go…go baby….fetch….(throws it, with BD following)

AR : Now that that’s over…..Let’s go over to stand in anchor Sonia Verma. Sonia…..

Sonia Verma : Yes, thank you Amitabh. On tonight’s news, we have an exclusive interview with a terror expert. He’s  Aamir Khan, who talks about the terror attacks and what he thinks needs to be done in order to prevent more terror attacks. With his extensive background in catastrophe management and crisis resolution, we will replace our useless ticker messages about how Pakistan is arresting the terror suspects on their soil and hence furthering India’s investigation into the attacks, with what Aamir Khan thinks. Because he’s a celebrity and knows so much. We had to make a booking well in advance to get his expert opinion, so be happy people……

*To be continued*

1)Airing of ‘How I met your mother’:

Comedy comes to entertainment

male protagonist is gay

adopts children

lies to them

Unfunny

2)Gay people coming out of the closet :

More people like me

yearn to be free.

3)Telecom boom :

We get external ears now

we can type in it

you can read what I type in yours

we’re so cool.

4)Britney Spears :

Whore entertains for few years

falls from our graces

turns bald

freaks own kids out

loses custody rights

shifts near rehab center

says it “cuts out the daily travel

I’ll have to make for the rest of my life

till I remain a media darling.”

5)Internet :

You get everything on this

it’s nice

works on our cool thing

to answer your quite question

yes, free porn available

even one with the whore entertainer

6)Lame music of the 90′s :

Whore entertainers entertain

7)Saddam’s fall :

Mesopotamian Dictator goes for a shower

falls in the shower

hits head on tub.

(Editor’s note : We believe this is metaphorical. Or it could explain that scar on his head.)

8)Hitler :

Most ambitious dictator

most noteworthy thing he does -

screws niece.

9)Einstein :

Loses mind

after studying his whole life

and finding out

there’s nothing to look forward to

and he’s wasted his whole life

and screws cousin.

10)This blog :

Greatest thing in the world

arrives on the porn showing thingie

which isn’t porn

but is an orgasmic read.

(E.N. : More poems are being deciphered and we will post them as and when they are translated.)

Every gossip column (even SD) has been talking about the latest turn of events in the Pakistan crisis. About the truth behind all the history between Mush and Shareef. It’s been said in a press release by the two “love-birds” that the reason Shareef fired Mush in the first place is because he was feeling guilty of cheating on his wife. That’s when Mush tried to confront him and tell him that things could work out. But it was not to be. After a heated argument and some tea and crumpets followed by a bubble bath later, they parted ways with Shareef giving away Pakistan as he said “everything here reminded me of him and I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed time off…..from him and from here.”

So he went crying into the arms of a Saudi Royal who took “good care” of him. But after years of experiencing agony (both mentally and in the anus), Shareef decided to come back to Mush to profess his undying love for him. Mush on the other hand, wouldn’t have any of it and decided to ban him from entering the country by using current love interest Ifthikar Choudhary to seal the deal. But fearing a backlash from the public, IC said he couldn’t do it, thus ending another of Mush’s love stories and another court case against him for “illegally” removing him from his position as CJ and also allegedly “causing a boo-boo in his heart and anus.”

Having failed in love twice already, Mush decided to allow Shareef back into the country as according to him, “if I can’t fuck them, at least I can fuck with the nation’s time an money and also it’s people.”

Days after Shareef touched down, he went to meet IC to see if he was willing to make an “alliance” so that they could make Mush “J” as he called it. But, Mush’s cronies prevented the meeting from taking place by intervening and calling Shareef names to which he cried all the way home. He then proceeded to watch “The OC” and then took a bubble bath during which time he remembered the “good old times” with Mush. This made him realize that all he wanted in life was Mush and a little hair in his bald head maybe. He also realized that with the new offers in the clinic opposite his house, he could weave hair into half his head and the other half came free! Thus he had only one more thing to get back : Mush.

Following this realization, he called on his former lover and after a little talking, they decided to reconcile and announce to the world the new turn of events via a press conference. A few excerpts:

Media Person: Sirs,  what are your further plans?

Mush : Well, to make up, I’m going to take my daring to Paris for 3 days and 2 nights. Is there anywhere else you want to go, dear?

Shareef(happily) : Oh really? That’s soooo sweet baby. I always knew you were a hopeless roman….

MP : No, sirs, I meant the political aspects. What are you both going to do in the upcoming elections? Are you going to form an alliance? Or is one of you going to back out?

M : What back out? I’m a Military man…I don’t back out.

S : But you do put it back in. Tee hee hee hee hee.

M : Well, yes I do , darling, yes, I do.

MP : Sir, the question…..

S : Well, I think we’ll go to Venice after that. It’s more quiet and peaceful there.

MP : No, I meant MY question.

M : Mind your tone, young man.

MP : Yes, sir. And what are your policies on your agenda that you will be looking to address if you win?

S : Wellllllll, first of all, I want to legalize homosexuality. It’s a damn shame that we have to go behind the tree to do stuff here.

MP : Other than that , sir?

S : Oh! Sooooo many questions……Make him stop, Musshie, male him stop. (closes ears and screams)

M : Now look what you’ve done…..

Mush then proceeded to take the MP out of the hall and what happened next behind the alley, no one knows, but an eye witness alleged that he saw Mush hand him some money and say “Thanks for getting him all mushy and peppered up. Tonight’s  going to be fun…..tee hee hee……………….”

Currently, both Mush and Shareef are in Paris on their romantic getaway. Rumors are abuzz that they are planning to adopt a boy from Ethiopia and call him “Shmush”.

-If no one notices, tell the press you do a maximum of 2 movies a year after “considering” the scripts .

-Always wear a frown on your face to look serious.

-Go to charities and benefits with the most media coverage and say that you didn’t expect them to be there and you always believed in that cause (even if you’ve never heard of it before…..like “The Kids With So Much Talent, It’s Sickening Fund” ).

-Mingle with other “serious” personalities.

-Court controversy and tell the media that your “freedom of speech” is being denied.

-Keep talking about your “modest upbringing” even if you were a millionaire before you started out.

- Choose the hottest co-stars even if they suck at acting and tell everyone that their acting is “inspiring”.

-Name an unknown old performer as your biggest inspiration so that you sound “offbeat”.

- Keep your private life alive in the newspapers and keep telling the media in press conferences that you want them to “respect your privacy”.

-Get divorced frequently and act either very hurt about it or very unfazed about it.

-Learn big words for interviews to seem “intellectual” even though you know only the common people read this and they won’t know what it means.

-Leak your private info to the press and deny it when it’s printed.

-Go to concerts of eminent personalities like Pdt. Ravi Shankar etc., even if you don’t get their music.

-Keep telling everyone how you try to keep your kids “rooted to the ground realities of life” even though you gift them expensive cars, bikes and jets for their birthdays.

-Have a public feud with another famous personality.

-Get it printed in the paper.

-Hail feminism and feminist writers like Shobha De, but beat your wife at home.

-It’s always good to be in two or three animal activist foundatios even if you killed your first cat because it messed up your house.

-Say that you support the theater and arts and act in a few plays which bore people to death.

-Tell the media you acted in such and such play.

-Always praise films that are “offbeat” even if they sucked in your and everyone else’s opinion because your piss poor acting seems better when compared to it.
-Dance like an idiot to please the average Indian who likes that shit.

-Endorse “healthy eating” while you yourself gorge on fast food for dinner everyday washed down with coke.

-Do coke everyday just to look flushed. Even if it’s not very addictive.

-Watch porno everyday, even kiddie porn and oppose such stuff in public.

-Get it printed in the newspaper that you oppose such stuff.

People trying to act like they actually approve of these cliches so that  they are accepted by society which keeps changing it’s ‘fad of the moment’ to ‘keep up with the times’. That’s bull shit. Times change, tastes don’t alter that much. They may get broadened, not changed. And if anyone tells you that he doesn’t like a movie or song anymore, punch his hypocritical face for me. These are things of art and not humans to change so that he can have a reason to hate them.

I hate seeing SRK on TV now. He’s filling the screen so much, it’s almost like cloning has been approved in India.  And Amithabh Bachchan. And that rat’s ass Abhishek. And what the hell are celebrities doing campaigning about things that they don’t even relate to? Abhishek doing a MotoRokr ad? Why don’t they get some musician to do that. At least the point will be put across. And these ads have no real aim. Just stupid acting just for the fun of it. How in the name of fuck does Mentos make you smarter? Or Tata Indicom help better in saving your marriage? Or Michael Jackson help in babysitting your kids?

I hope that one day we all wake up and smell the TV overcrowding  with celebs who make no sense. And that will possibly get us some quality entertainment instead of some brainwashing cliches.

Kill the cliches.