NDTV does an exclusive (2)

SV  : So without further ado, let’s begin our exclusive interview with Aamir Khan even though you, our viewers know it’s probably a worse crime than Ram Gopal Verma visiting the Taj the day after the attacks, yet you still want to hear what someone totally unrelated to the attacks wants to say. Aamir…..

(Meanwhile……)

AK : (looks up slowly) To beeeee, or not to beeeee…..that is the question. With great power comes grea….

(Barkha Dutt stops AK and whispers in hie ear)

AK : (to BD, but audible to us) What are you saying? Mumbai was attacked? As in the Mumbai in Bobmay? On the east side of India? Oh yea, west side, I knew that.

(BD whispers some more)

AK : And you want me to talk about it? Oh ok…..no problem.

(AK looks meaningfully at BD)

AK : This is very sad, you know? I never in my whole life expected this to happen to a city like Mumbai. I love the city so much. I can’t locate it on a map if it just had an outline of Maharashtra and a red dot showing Mumbai, but still, I love the city. Yes, (looks down and then up in a dramatic way) New Delhi means a lot to m….

(BD whispers again)

AK : Yes, that what I said, Mumbai. I remember seeing the Taj Mahal the first time I came to the city. It was white. And huge. I think it was built in the 1950’s …..

(again BD whispers)

AK : There’s a Taj Mahal hotel also? No? Only Taj? Oh, alright.

(AK stares blankly and then whispers to BD which is still audible to the viewers)

AK : I don’t know what’s going on. Where am I? Who am I?

(BD looks worried)

AK : Hahahahahaaaaa….got you. It’s a scene from my latest movie Ghajini. Hahahahahaha…..But serioulsy, I have no idea what’s going on, but I’d still like to talk because I believe that I have much more knowledge than everyone in this country. I show my awesomeness by acting in awesome movies. Of course, these movies become awesome because I act in them.

AK :  Where was I? Oh yea, about the Peshawar attack…

(BD shakes her head)

AK : ……..Dhaka attack…..

(BD shakes her head again)

AK : …….Colombo attack? (AK has a nervous look on his face)

(BD stands up and hits AK with her mic stick)

BD : You stupid asshloe. I am an award winning reporter and I have to come out all the way over here to interview an idiot like you? How stupider can my job get? I bet everyone knows that I sleep around and that’s how I got my various awards. No wonder I can’t get any dates these days. Coming to think of it, I never got any dates. Not even from women. Even street urchins run away from me. I guess I reek of desperateness. I wish all my useless awards accounted for something. But no….they have to be awards financed by NDTV itself. Damn! My life isn’t worth living. All I care about are my news stories. I even jump around like a maniac when the story is as boring as a minister resigning. That’s how boring I am. I guess the only excitement I get in life is when I’m in front of the camera…..

(The cameraman comes into the room eating a burger, goes to the camera stand, flicks a switch and looks through the lens)

Cameraman : Ready when you are, dyke.

THE END

PS : If you identify with the feelings I have expressed here, you have to note 2 things :

1)You can contact me about funding my work

2)You need therapy

3) I don’t

PPS : If you didn’t notice anything wrong right now, you are probably dyslexic

PPPS :  I haven’t roasted Nidhi Razdan because she’s the hottest of the news anchors that NDTV has.

PPPPS : If this article didn’t satisfy your craving for quality, we’re teribbly sorry, we are currently short on staff and our writers are on leave.